Why the Workday Would Benefit from a Darth Vader Voice Generator


I noticed some Googler came to this blog searching for "Darth Vader Voice Generator." And while I'm afraid I had nothing to meet his current need, the thought did cross my mind:

How awesome would it be to spend the entire workday talking in a Darth Vader voice?!!

I mean, I do a lot of client service. And while much of this takes place through email, I do have a certain amount of meetings and phone interactions. I think it would really liven things up if I could do it all sounding like the main recruitment officer for the Dark Side of the Force.

"I UNDERSTAND THAT THE PLACEMENT OF MY CLIENT'S ADS IS CURRENTLY INCORRECT, VENUE SCUM. THAT WAS TO BE A CORNER PEEL ON YOUR HOME PAGE INSTEAD OF A LEADERBOARD AND BIG BOX ROADBLOCK. I SHOULD CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND.

HOWEVER I WILL SETTLE FOR 200,000 MAKE GOOD IMPRESSIONS AND A NICE CARD AT CHRISTMAS."

I imagine it would be the last time there was ever a mistake regarding ad placements.

Having a voice like Darth Vader would probably make a capabilities presentation new and exciting, too.

"WE ARE A FULL SERVICE MARKETING AGENCY AND MY PARTICULAR FOCUS IS CRAFTING LANGUAGE FOR YOUR ONLINE BRANDING ELEMENTS. I WILL HELP YOU DEFINE YOUR BRAND IN A SIMPLE, USER-FRIENDLY WAY. AND IF THAT PROVES UNSUCCESSFUL, I WILL LEVERAGE THE FORCE ON YOUR BEHALF, CHANNELING MY DEEP INNER RAGE AT YOUR COMPETITORS, WHO WILL FEEL THE SWIFT BURNING BLADE OF MY LIGHT SABRE, RIGHT BEFORE I CRUSH THEIR TRACHEAS WITH MY MIND."

Lastly, I foresee picking up lunch to be a refreshingly different type of endeavor. Particularly if it's at the bagel shop a few doors down, where the folks who work there leave you waiting while they finish their conversation about their last hot night on the town. And even when they do finally wait on you, you have to repeat your order three times and head off condiments you don't want.

"I WILL HAVE A HAM AND CHEDDAR ON A HONEY GRAIN BAGEL, NO MAYO, AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO IGNORE ME WHILE YOU IDLY CHATTER, FOOLISH BAGEL JOCKEYS, I SHALL HAVE NO RECOURSE OTHER THAN TO CALL IN MY TEAM OF STORM TROOPERS TO PILLAGE YOUR PAPER NAPKINS, MELT YOUR PLASTIC UTENSILS AND LASER YOUR GLASS SNEEZE GUARD TO OBLIVION.

"WAIT, I SAID NO MAYO, NO MAYO!... OKAY, THAT'S IT! I WILL JUST HAVE TO CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND."

See? It's the gift that just keeps on giving.

So tell me-- what would you do with your Darth Vader voice generator?

32 comments:

TJ Lubrano said...

Hahahhaha! Jenn! I totally love this post :D. I could hear Darth Vader's voice booming in my head while I read your post. You did Darth Vader proud! Especially when he ordered his bagel with...NO MAYO haha!

Man! It has been a while since popped over here and rambled on your blog :|.

I RTed your tweet and Yoda spoke to me. The boy I trained, is gone, consumed by Darth Vader.

*silence*

I need to find a new apprentice STAT.

Ciao Xx

Jenn Thorson said...

TJ- Heh, yes, I got a comment from the Yodabot as well on Twitter after I posted. He gets around!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I can't understate the entertainment value of reading those sections in my mind IN the Darth Vader voice.

It would have to be used rather judiciously in my line of work, however. But I imagine repeat-offender domestic disturbances (not the ones where someone is being abused, the ones where they BOTH get drunk and stupid and abuse each other) ending rather abruptly if someone in a Darth Vader costume and voice modulator were to appear in their doorway and say

LOOK. IF YOU IRRITATE EACH OTHER THAT MUCH ITS TIME FOR ONE OF YOU TO GO. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT MAYBE ITS TIME FOR *BOTH* OF YOU TO GO.

Hee hee. I can dream.

Jenn Thorson said...

Shieldmaiden- Oh, it HAS to be read in the Darth Vader voice. And for some reason, the capital letters really help with that. :)

I suspect you might end up using the Darth Vader voice more than you might want to. I can see it would be addictive.

Probably not the best if you were on dispatch, though. :)

laughingmom said...

I think it could come in very handy when dealing with teenagers!

Stop talking back to me, clean up your mess ,and walk the dog or I will crush your trachea with my mind.

Jenn Thorson said...

Laughingmom- You know, I was suspecting it but your example proved it-- the "crushing your trachea with my mind" line really just keeps giving when it comes to every day situations. :)

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh, Jenn! This is hilarious.

"How awesome would it be to spend the entire workday talking in a Darth Vader voice?!!"

TOTALLY SUPER AWESOME!!

But, I just can't beat laughingmom's comment: Do what I say or "I will crush your trachea with my mind."

AhahahHAHHAhahHAHaah!

Jenn Thorson said...

Meleah- Yeah, LaughingMom's line had ME laugh out loud so abruptly my coworker asked me what was up.

ReformingGeek said...

I can lead fitness classes with that voice. There would be no doubt that full effort is expected. I don't think the "crushing trachea" threat would work, though. How about:

"YOU WILL USE GOOD FORM OR I WILL CORRECT YOU WITH MY MIND!"

UGH.

Jenn Thorson said...

ReformingGeek- Everyone would get the best workout of their lives with that kind of implied threat. No one wants to disappoint Lord Vader.

Janene Murphy said...

Oooh! Think it might help me get the kids to bed? They might have a few nightmares, but I'm cool with that.

Jenn Thorson said...

Janene- It might. Though be prepared to hear, "These are not the kids you're looking for. Move along."

Jayne Martin said...

This is just genius. I love it. I think the voice would come in handy when dealing with my Internet company.

"Put me on hold again and I will crush your trachea with my mind."

Yep. That ought to do it. ;)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jayne- Oh, wow, Jayne, you opened up a new world of ideas for me with this-- because I could REALLY USE THIS when dealing with my gas company.

"ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT YOU CAN ONLY READ MY METER IN A FOUR HOUR WINDOW OF TIME? PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECONSIDER... SATURDAY HOURS???"

Madge said...

I'm Thinking.

IF I HAVE TO WAIT IN THIS DMV LINE ANOTHER MINUTE (MUMBLES) *I DRIVE THE DEATH STAR FOR PEATE’S SAKE* I WILL GET OUT MY LIGHT SABER AND WREAK CARNAGE ON THE ENTIRE BUILDING, BUT YOU! THERE BEHIND THE COUNTER, DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA WITH MY MIND.

Jenn Thorson said...

Madge- You had me laughing by, "I DRIVE THE DEATH STAR"

Which now has me thinking HOW COOL would it be to have a line of car-- possibly a minivan-- called The Death Star?

The Nissan Death Star... The Toyota Death Star...

It would come only in black.

"Can I get it in blue?"

"IT COMES IN BLACK."

"How about a sporty red?"

"IT COMES IN BLACK."

"Silver?"

"BLACK. DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL DARK SIDE ON YOU, LADY. BECAUSE I _WILL_."

Madge said...

Too bad Saturn is no longer in business. The Saturn Death Star sounds awesome. Now I'm wondering what kind of grimacing maniacal options would come standard.

Jenn Thorson said...

Madge- Oh YES, the Saturn Death Star! SO good!

I would think a tractor beam would be available. "Lo Beams, High Beams, Tractor Beams for pulling in Rebel Scum."

Maybe there would be a back seat that could turn into a small trash compactor room, where you could store your Dark Side squid.

Madge said...

Um! Tractor beams are great, but I'm not sure that I would want to invite Rebel Scum into my mini van. Groceries and cases of wine for sure. Trash compacter room definately!

Jenn Thorson said...

It might be a good way to have a word with that guy who cuts you off in traffic, too. :)

Greg said...

Wow that was funny! Loved it!

I'd like to use it at work for those customers,I'm a produce manager, that feel they need to taste the fruit,then throw it back in the bins.

Ma'm either buy it or i shall have no choice but to crush your trachea.

Van said...

I want one for Karaoke! I'd sing all the sexy songs with it...ALL the sexy songs...

Nora said...

I'd order fast food with it. Let them try to understand ME for a change! HA HA!

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- I would like to be there in the store when you do that. The look on the customer's face would be priceless.

Van- "'I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CAPE... TOO SEXY FOR MY CAPE... LET'S GET THIS ON TAAAAAAPE... I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY HELMET... TOO SEXY FOR MY HELMET'... ER, ANYONE KNOW WHAT RHYMES WITH 'HELMET'? HELP A SITH LORD OUT, PEOPLE!"

Nora said...

Mostly I talk to myself so that could be bad. I mean, as a kid, I was scared of Darth Vader. I already think I need therapy for talking to myself too much but if it scared me too, I'd simply HAVE to schedule an appointment!

Anonymous said...

I would use the voice for telemarketers who don't get the idea of "no-call list". First they would here the heavy breathing and then hear .....
"WHO IS THIS? OH, YOU AGAIN. I GUESS YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MY FIRST 2 WARNINGS. THE DEATH STAR HAS THE COORDINATES OF YOUR BASE AND IS FULLY CHARGED TO TAKE IT OUT SO I WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN TO STOP CALLING HERE. GOODBYE

Jenn Thorson said...

Nora- "Doctor, I've been talking to myself in the voice of a character that terrifies me. Which part of that would you like to work on first?"

Anonymous- You are now officially my favorite anonymous commenter. :) And you know how those telemarketing calls are recorded for quality control? Your Darth Vader call would be the Best Recorded Customer Call EVER.

Anonymous said...

That should say "hear" not here. Thanks, it took me a bit to come up with something since everyone else had such good ideas.

P.S. It's just "me" the friend you finally got to see this weekend as the same anonymous commenter who randomly comments on your blogs.

Jenn Thorson said...

"Anonymous"- Heh, I'm glad I know you "fer reals" then because you're funny-- which, in fact, I was made aware of over the weekend. :)

PS-- There is a certain amount of glee for me when I picture Darth Vader saying, "OH. YOU AGAIN." :)

Kelly said...

I would use the Darth Vader Voice Generator when I go to Burger King and they get my order wrong again for the four thousandth and twenty third time...

YOU SHALL NOW WITNESS THE POWER OF THE FORCE AS I CRUSH YOUR TRACHEA AND MAKE YOUR EYEBALLS EXPLODE BECAUSE YOU MISTAKENLY DECLINED TO PUT ONIONS ON MY WHOPPER YET CHOSE TO PUT TOMATOES ON MY FLAME BROILED ALL BEEF PATTY WITHOUT MY CONSENT. NOW YOU SHALL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. OR, AT THE VERY LEAST, GIVE ME FREE ONION RINGS FOR MY TROUBLE.

How was that? :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Kelly- Excellent!-- the Force was clearly with you.

PS- Your Burger King sounds like our Burger King in their random topping accessorizing.

I know I can only say I don't want mayo on my burger, and NOT that I don't want onions AND mayo, or I will open the burger to find it slathered in the stuff.

I figure I can always remove the onions, but I can't really de-mayo things myself.

Kelly said...

Thanks for the compliment. :) Lol... Yeah, Jenn, our Burger King never gets our order right. My wife and I are always complaining about that. You know what we've tried a couple times to keep that from happening? We actually wrote down exactly what we wanted and didn't want on our sandwiches, very legibly, on a piece of paper, handed it to them and- I kid you not- they still got it wrong. Now that's pretty damn bad. And I know what you mean by being able to take some stuff off but not certain things from your sandwich. How dumb can they be? Oh well... enough complaining. Happy May The Force!