Above: Every bored toddler should be playing with razor-sharp axes for the holidays, right? (?!)
Well, it's that time of year, folks! Time to stop and think about what makes us thankful. So at Cabbages, I've put together a very special list of the things that I've been grateful for in the past year which are 100% unrelated to things like turkeys, family, or parades where giant Snoopys stomp Manhattan like beagle-shaped Godzillas. Perhaps you might even join me in a few of them!
- I'm thankful that I don't have to perform childcare for the kid in Toyota Highlander's "just because you're a parent, doesn't mean you have to be lame" ads. Because, the first time he'd inform me he "doesn't have much tolerance for dorkiness," and I shared with him my lack of tolerance for entitled pre-teens with smart mouths, I would be brought up on child endangerment charges.
- I'm thankful Lindsay Lohan is finally getting the help she needs. Again.
- I'm thankful I didn't have a large beverage before seeing the new Harry Potter, as I was not forced to recreate the bladder-busting "crumbling Roman aquaduct in rainy season" concerns of that time I went to see Gladiator with a jumbo Diet Coke.
- I'm thankful actress Betty White is too busy implementing her plan for later-life World Domination in order to make another sequel to Lake Placid.
- I am thankful for Twitter, because writing pithy messages in 140 character increments has unleashed my secret desire to write existential philosophy for tea-bag envelopes.
- I'm thankful my two kittens nuzzle me awake before the annoying sound of my alarm goes off. Less thankful they do this at three o'clock in the morning. (They will be receiving wristwatches for Christmas.)
- I am thankful for blog spam because I have learned amusing new phrases like: "I need to encourage you how yearn a heyday" and invitations like: "...And so entertain stomach with us." I've decided to entertain stomach throughout the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks, Spammers-- Pass the stuffing!
- I'm thankful for Facebook quizzes like "How Mentally Unstable are You?" or "If You Were a Dried Legume, Which One Would You Be?" So I know who to stay clear of, should I see these people in real life.
- I'm thankful for those cha-cha-ing, ever-pooping Charmin bears commercials as it makes me wistfully nostalgic for the days of squeeze-obsessed spokesman, Mr. Whipple.
- I am thankful for the beauty and versatility of sarcasm, for without it, we would likely not be where we are here today.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers! (I am additionally thankful that you stopped by-- no sarcasm involved.)