Well, it was bound to happen. In the tradition of sitcoms that have outstayed their welcome, forcing the introduction of a cute, precocious urchin who 70% of the audience would prefer to lock in a cold, dark well along with:
- Jar-Jar Binks
- Perez Hilton
- That eyeballed stack of money from the GEICO ads...
Or revelations that a main character has actually been a double-agent for the last ten seasons, apparently being Evil only in their off-hours...
Or babies born in elevators during Christmas episodes right at midnight...
This summer, CNN reports that Archie Andrews of the Archie comics series is finally asking the girl of his dreams to marry him...
And it's that mean, snooty chick Veronica.
Archie, Archie... You red-headed boob. You've completely run out of ideas and this is what it's come to, eh?
Well, having been one of those girls who'd once devoured a yearly Archie Digest, every vacation, like salt water taffy, I can safely say, this boy deserves what he gets.
If he really thinks he can support Veronica in the life she's become accustomed to...
If he really thinks he can listen 24/7 to her jealous rantings...
If he really thinks he can ever provide her with enough fawning and adoration to satisfy her need for narcissistic supply, well... He's welcome to it.
By 2030, Veronica will be working on her fifth facelift and be batty as Nora Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. Every Saturday night, Archie, you'll stay home and watch videos of Veronica accepting that homecoming queen trophy, or winning a beauty contest, or making the cheerleading team. Again and again. Again and again.
And you'll look back, Archie-- yes you will-- and you'll wonder how you went so far astray.
But, really, this post isn't about Veronica, and the fact she'll inherit millions when her dad dies, but then blow it all on shoes and purses. This is about kind, trusting, good-egg-if-a-bit-obsessive Betty Cooper.
And that's why I've arranged a nice selection of eligible cartoon bachelors to take Betty's mind off that fickle flame-haired waffler, Archie.
Here are my suggestions:
- Freddie of the Scooby-Doo gang. Good-natured, intelligent, and a careful driver even when being pursued by costumed evil-doers on ziplines. Things never really got going with Daphne, and Betty's not only about the same age, but she has no history of being danger-prone. Betty also is a good student, so should be an asset for solving crimes. Plus, just think of all the little blonde children.
- Fat Albert. Okay, I know he's not your archetypal hunk, but Albert has a lot going for himself. He's funny, he has loads of leadership qualities, and he would treat Betty right. Plus, the Cosby Kids could use a sharp female in the group. Particularly one patient enough to tolerate Rudy.
- He-Man/Prince Adam. Betty will completely forget about that scrawny, do-nothing Archie Andrews when she lays her eyes on our friend He-Man here. Together they can fight Skeletor, and then enjoy a nice home-cooked meal afterwards-- Betty baking a nice casserole and He-Man doing Ye Royal Dishes. Greyskull could use a few homey touches, couldn't it? Plus, I am also thinking Betty might be able to encourage him away from that tragic bob haircut of his.
- Popeye. This match-up would solve a lot of problems, not just for Betty, but for Popeye. I mean, think about it. Olive Oyl has some of the same passive aggressive qualities Veronica has. She doesn't know whether she wants Popeye or Bluto/Brutus, her moods change like the ocean wind, and she never really treats Popeye right. Betty understand this sort of behavior, having received the same sort of treatment from Archie. I'd say they're kindred spirits.
- Snoopy. Okay, yes, yes, I know Snoopy is a dog. But let's discuss this. Snoopy has many fine qualities. He's innovative, affectionate, has a great laugh, writes novels in his spare time, and is a true patriot, having fought many World War II missions from his flying doghouse. Betty could use a good solid companion who appreciates her. So does the inter-species thing really matter that much? Really? I think not.
Let's buck up her self-esteem a bit and get her back into the dating scene again, shall we?