Betty Cooper: Cartoon Bachelorette


Well, it was bound to happen. In the tradition of sitcoms that have outstayed their welcome, forcing the introduction of a cute, precocious urchin who 70% of the audience would prefer to lock in a cold, dark well along with:
  • Jar-Jar Binks
  • Perez Hilton
  • That eyeballed stack of money from the GEICO ads...
In the tradition of long-running series' that claw desperately at dream sequence episodes and will-they-or-won't-they plot devices...

Or revelations that a main character has actually been a double-agent for the last ten seasons, apparently being Evil only in their off-hours...

Or babies born in elevators during Christmas episodes right at midnight...

This summer, CNN reports that Archie Andrews of the Archie comics series is finally asking the girl of his dreams to marry him...

And it's that mean, snooty chick Veronica.

Archie, Archie... You red-headed boob. You've completely run out of ideas and this is what it's come to, eh?

Well, having been one of those girls who'd once devoured a yearly Archie Digest, every vacation, like salt water taffy, I can safely say, this boy deserves what he gets.

If he really thinks he can support Veronica in the life she's become accustomed to...

If he really thinks he can listen 24/7 to her jealous rantings...

If he really thinks he can ever provide her with enough fawning and adoration to satisfy her need for narcissistic supply, well... He's welcome to it.

By 2030, Veronica will be working on her fifth facelift and be batty as Nora Desmond in Sunset Boulevard. Every Saturday night, Archie, you'll stay home and watch videos of Veronica accepting that homecoming queen trophy, or winning a beauty contest, or making the cheerleading team. Again and again. Again and again.

And you'll look back, Archie-- yes you will-- and you'll wonder how you went so far astray.

But, really, this post isn't about Veronica, and the fact she'll inherit millions when her dad dies, but then blow it all on shoes and purses. This is about kind, trusting, good-egg-if-a-bit-obsessive Betty Cooper.

And that's why I've arranged a nice selection of eligible cartoon bachelors to take Betty's mind off that fickle flame-haired waffler, Archie.

Here are my suggestions:
  • Freddie of the Scooby-Doo gang. Good-natured, intelligent, and a careful driver even when being pursued by costumed evil-doers on ziplines. Things never really got going with Daphne, and Betty's not only about the same age, but she has no history of being danger-prone. Betty also is a good student, so should be an asset for solving crimes. Plus, just think of all the little blonde children.
  • Fat Albert. Okay, I know he's not your archetypal hunk, but Albert has a lot going for himself. He's funny, he has loads of leadership qualities, and he would treat Betty right. Plus, the Cosby Kids could use a sharp female in the group. Particularly one patient enough to tolerate Rudy.
  • He-Man/Prince Adam. Betty will completely forget about that scrawny, do-nothing Archie Andrews when she lays her eyes on our friend He-Man here. Together they can fight Skeletor, and then enjoy a nice home-cooked meal afterwards-- Betty baking a nice casserole and He-Man doing Ye Royal Dishes. Greyskull could use a few homey touches, couldn't it? Plus, I am also thinking Betty might be able to encourage him away from that tragic bob haircut of his.
  • Popeye. This match-up would solve a lot of problems, not just for Betty, but for Popeye. I mean, think about it. Olive Oyl has some of the same passive aggressive qualities Veronica has. She doesn't know whether she wants Popeye or Bluto/Brutus, her moods change like the ocean wind, and she never really treats Popeye right. Betty understand this sort of behavior, having received the same sort of treatment from Archie. I'd say they're kindred spirits.
  • Snoopy. Okay, yes, yes, I know Snoopy is a dog. But let's discuss this. Snoopy has many fine qualities. He's innovative, affectionate, has a great laugh, writes novels in his spare time, and is a true patriot, having fought many World War II missions from his flying doghouse. Betty could use a good solid companion who appreciates her. So does the inter-species thing really matter that much? Really? I think not.
Well, those are my suggestions. But I'd be happy to hear yours. Right now, Betty Cooper's sobbing her eyes out over that freckled, garage band Cassanova.

Let's buck up her self-esteem a bit and get her back into the dating scene again, shall we?

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23 comments:

Bobby Jean said...

L'il Abner! He's gorgeous, kind and strong enough to kick feckless Archie into the next strip :]

Jenn Thorson said...

Bobby Jean- An excellent choice! I think he's got HUGE possibilities as a contender here! Betty would be lucky.

Jaffer said...

Well, Archie is a red-headed boob you is incapable of making good decisions.

I'd choose Jungle Jim - strong, handsome and adventerous - I think he was single.
On the second throught step aside Betty ...

Jaffer said...

Oh dear me ! I meant 'who' is incapable of...So sorry !

But then you did refuse a doughnut !

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Are you suggesting my donut refusal insanity might affect my proofreading abilities? :)

Anyway, I did know what you meant. I'm not familiar with Jungle Jim, so I'll have to go look him up. If he's anything like George of the Jungle, I'd just be worried about Betty's safety due to potential tree collision.

Mike said...

Other problems: I'm pretty sure Freddie and He-Man are gay.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mike- Well, I think you might have a point about He-Man (the name itself is sort of an interesting statement).

But Freddie-- I'm not sure. I think Freddie's inappropriate neck scarf is just throwing you off. :)

C.B. Jones said...

Harvey Birdman, Master Shake, Assy Mcgee...


...Anybody from Adult Swim, basically.

Jenn Thorson said...

C.B.- Ah, so she's going for more modern men, er, food products, eh? :)

chyna said...

Freddie is busy chasing Daphne (who by the way has also not made a commitment himself) so he is out.

Interesting that you picked Shaggy, he is largely overlooked by many yet he is the most steadfast friend out there. And he has no great need to look for trouble, it just seems to find him when he's around the rest of the gang. I've watched alot of Scoobey shows (7yr old daughter).

Beast Boy from Teen Titans, he will worship her like a goddess she is. He lives in a tower (ignore it is shaped like a "T"), can be any animal she would like, again with the adoration and sings a wicked version of the Teen Titan theme song at karokee. ;)

If we're taking the Brendan Fraiser George of the Jungle you just tell her to keep her blonde haired blue eyed bum away or I'll kick it. :<

chyna said...

Forgot to add, Ken is available now. Barbie finally saw past his bubble brained self and dumped him. Not sure how great of a boyfriend he would be though. He has no job, no car of his own and far as I can tell he has no place to live.

nevermind, warn her to stay away from that twit. maybe send him over to Veronica's house, he likes being a kept man.

Skye said...

Mr. Ranger from Yogi Bear hasn't been around people much, just the bears. He could do with some company of the female variety! Although he may be a bit old for her.

I'd keep her away from Bart Simpson though, he's far too much trouble.

There is always Robin as well, it must be hard always being in Batman's shadow. He could do with a girlfriend!

Last but not least there The Human Torch, he could heat things up with Betty I'm sure :)

Da Old Man said...

Richie Rich would be perfect. Younger men with older women is the trend today.

Talk about one upping Veronica. The Lodge fortune is peanuts compared to the Rich estate.

Melanie said...

I think Da Old Man is on the right track there. Richie and Betty would be perfect.

She can't have He-Man, if he turns out to be straight, he's mine, MINE I say!!!

Melanie said...

Hey, what about Charlie Brown? Sooner or later he's got to get over that little red haired girl. He and Betty might be good for each other. Granted he's not really that great to look at, but he's got a good heart.

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- See, the issue with Shaggy would be what has to be recreational drugs. The munchies, the high metabolism... I don't see Betty going for that.

I'm going to have to look up Beast Boy, but "Betty and the Beast" does have a good potential for a program title. :)

Ken, well, I can't do that to Betty. We can do better than Ken for Betty.

Skye- Robin's a good choice. It's not his fault he was born into the strange Batman situation. And since Betty sews, she might be able to design him a cooler costume for his crime fighting.

Da Old Man- Richie Rich is a good choice. I can just see Veronica fuming now.

Melanie- Charlie Brown is an awfully good fellow. And Betty's kindness might be able to help him on that self esteem.

jay said...

I'd take the dog! Every time! LOL!

JD at I Do Things said...

Does it have to be a cartoon character? I think Betty could be just the girl to melt Dr. House's cold, stone heart.

(I was always secretly pulling for Veronica. We brunettes have to stick together!)

Jenn Thorson said...

Jay- Heh, and why am I not surprised? :) Truly, though, Snoopy is an exemplary beagle.

JD- Oh no! Not a covert Veronica supporter! How can it be, how can it be?? :)

moooooog35 said...

Women.

Has it ever occurred to you that Veronica throws a mean BJ?

Men have gotten married for a lot worse reasons.

Jenn Thorson said...

Mooog- Heh, well, sorry, Mooog- I'm just of the misled thinking that bein' an intelligent, half-decent sort of person should actually count for something. I know, I know, there's only about... oh... three people out there who care about that anymore. But still.

chyna said...

Moog

LOL!!!!!! You know those pampered rich girls usually are the wild ones! We have Paris Hilton as a prime example. ;)

I'm not sure Shaggy partakes of the herb but he sure acts like it huh?! You would get Scoobey in the deal and well I think he would be cool to have around. ruh roh Raggy!

Jenn Thorson said...

Chyna- Yes, there is a certain amount of Paris to our ol' Veronica, isn't there? :)

I don't think my house is big enough to hold a Great Dane like our doggy bud Scooby-Doo. Zoinks!