Signs Your Evil Overlord Business is Being Hurt by the Economy


So you say you have an Evil Empire. Well, the economy's affecting everyone these days and sometimes even the best-laid plans for iron-fisted world domination and mass enslavement aren't enough.

The key is recognizing just when your nefarious power loses that special zip. So to help you along, we at Cabbages wanted to share just a few signs your Dark Overlord gig might be taking a hit from cutbacks.
  • You had plans to hold the world hostage with a giant laser. But your Evil Purchasing Department gave you a laser light pen and a Powerpoint projector.
  • Your Death Star is part of a Sheriff's Sale, being bid on by developers. Of eco-friendly condos.
  • To offset the cost of your Killer Shark Tank, you renamed it "ScaryBiteyFishWorld," wrote up some educational signage and charge admission to tourists during evil off-hours.
  • You've had to trade your black custom supercar with the rockets for something with better gas mileage. Yet you sense a loss of respect each time you alight from the used beige Camry with the "honor student" bumper sticker.
  • You've had to sell your remote secret hideout in the volcanic island and move to more economical digs. But your minions complain they can't be effectively evil working from cubes in an office park next to TGIFriday's. Morale is down.
  • Your taunting conference calls to your goody-two-shoes Arch-Nemesis are interrupted because your pre-paid phone card has run out again.
  • Your expensive exotic cat died. It has been replaced by what you insist is a "violent goldfish with a black soul." You suspect no one is buying it.
  • Elaborate torture devices are now being cleverly-crafted from leftover flat-pack pieces from the IKEA clearance area.
  • Your personal anti-gravity helicopter has been repossessed, so you hijack the local helicopter tour each time there's high-speed chase scene. You charge the tourists $10 a piece for the privilege.
  • Your mass hypnotism ray has been exchanged for a more personalized technique, involving a dangling watch and instructions to cluck like a chicken. Though this method will take somewhat longer, you assure everyone the final results are what matters.
So... anything else to help an effective super-villain identify his economic sticking points during this frustrating financial crisis? I'd love to hear 'em!

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36 comments:

Venom said...

Alas, yes, cutbacks must be made.
My new partners in crime are Pinky & The Brain - good help is so hard to find these days. That damn Pinky practically drools yet Brain claims him to be an idiot savant. I'm not buying it.

Times are tough all over, man.

Jenn Thorson said...

Venom- Ah, yes-- I am well familiar with Pinky and the Brain's work. And while they really put a lot of energy into trying to take over the world, their actually implementation and success rate is not very good. I can see where you'd be frustrated. Hang in there.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I would suggest cutting back to the holes of the donuts at your weekly take-over-the-world meetings, but I'm sure that was done at the last downturn.

Jenn Thorson said...

Meg- Can't you just see it... the minions all file into the conference room and someone says, "Munchkins? We only get Munchkins today? Is there only instant coffee today, too?" :)

freetheunicorns said...

They took away my lightsaber.

Jenn Thorson said...

FreetheUnicorns- Aww, now that is a sad situation. But I hear lightsaber repossession has gone up recently by around 25%. Hang in there, Dark Force Jedi.

Nooter said...

ha ha, how bout these:

*you now only do public evil deeds on weekends to keep costume rental fees down,

* begin hiring out your evil minions as telemarketers for the extra income,

*started putting advertisement placards on the sides of your intergalactic battle cruisers, and

*working on a sponsorship deal with Cleany Wipes for your next invasion.

Jenn Thorson said...

Nooter- All great ones!-- though I think "Started putting advertisement placards on the sides of your intergalactic battle cruisers" is my very favorite. :)

Greg said...

Your twisted thought process both scares and delights me.

I'm such a slacker: when did your masthead change?

Jenn Thorson said...

Greg- Heh, it scares me too, sometimes. I woke up with this idea at, like, 2 in the morning. WHY I was thinking about this, I have no idea. Still... a girl takes a post idea where she gets it.

PS- You're not far behind the times at all-- the blog template and masthead changed yesterday!

Da Old Man said...

Post on Craigslist offering discounted mayhem.

Jenn Thorson said...

Da Old Man- Ahhhh, very nice! I can see that.

Jaffer said...

I like the new design changes Jenn. I am glad you opted for a wider layout.
Although you are still 10 pixels short from the "divine proportion"
(Yes, I had to measure the width of the cabbage patch to the pixel)

Love the fonts in the header.

dizzblnd said...

You must never sleep at night. Your imagination is great for coming up with this stuff. I envy you

The Great Fox Hating Potentate said...

You can no longer afford to pay your tailor for your custom evil clown outfit, so now you have to shop at Hot Topic for alternative wardrobes.

Fantastic post, reminded me of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. I believe I'll go and watch it again now. Tee hee. :D

Jenn Thorson said...

Jaffer- Hey, thank you-- I'm really happy with it as well. It's working a whole lot better all around, for me. Chica did a great job rethinking the header and the overall layout. As far as I'm concerned, that's divine enough. :)

Dizzblnd- It might just had been the cold medication I've been on. Ya never know.

Julian- I can just see him coming in to Hot Topic and heading for the clearance area. "Do you have anything in... floppy shoes?" And thanks for the "Dr. Horrible" comparison-- I take that as a high compliment. Joss Whedon has come up with some great stuff. (You've reminded me, I need to get Dr. Horrible on DVD for myself-- had borrowed a friends to see it.)

Tony Single said...

Evil laughter can no longer be afforded because there's nothing to laugh about in this financial crisis... so you glower and growl from your economy class park bench and ball up scraps of newspaper to throw (evilly) at helpless passers by. The glowering and growling is easy due to the stomach ulcer that was brought on by the financial crisis and your current insolvency.

Jenn Thorson said...

Tony- Excellent-- very visual! You know, you should be... a cartoonist. :)

Dan Brantley said...

Damn! Why didn't I read this sooner! Arrrgh! I always learn this stuff too late. Jenn have you ever thought about being an EvilSuccessCoach? I am telling you there is a need....

Jay said...

" * You've had to trade your black custom supercar with the jet propulsion rockets for something that gets better gas mileage. But you're not quite sensing the level of respect you once enjoyed now that you're sporting the used beige Camry with the "Baby on Board" sign."

That's my favourite!! LOL!

I always suspected those Lads and Ladettes were more Evil than most suspected.

Jenn Thorson said...

Dan- Well, I'll certainly consider it if my writing gig falls through and career change becomes necessary!

Jay- It's interesting to know that the type transcends the borders of countries, too. :)

Skye said...

You know your evil empire is hurting when you have to rent out your evil Great Dane dog patrol to the local security company!

Jenn Thorson said...

Skye- It's very true that fat guys with jelly doughnut filling down the fronts of their rented cop uniforms don't have quite the same effect. :)

binnyva said...

Ah - the repercussions of recession. On a happy note, I am not afraid of my cat anymore. Yeah - he belongs to the Evil Overlord category.

Jenn Thorson said...

Binnyva- You know, I suspect most cats DO have at least a certain amount of Evil Overlord in them.... I am glad you and your cat have worked this out between you, though. :)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Well, naturally, the next step is to lay off all the minions (NO severance packages...they can take a pen with them on the way out) and outsource all minioning to Alpha Centauri-10. Cause those AC guys will work for practically nothin'!

Anok said...

Where can I get a very violent gold fish with a b lack soul? See, my minions consist of two cats who are highly adept at hunting shoelaces, lint, and their own tails - but not much else unless it's been chopped up and put in the food dish for them.

I could really use a violent goldfish to straiten those two slacker out.

Jenn Thorson said...

Nanny Goats- Yes, but the Alpha Centaurians aren't really known for their attention to detail.

Anok- Oh, it's an elaborate screening process. First you go to your local pet store... and when you tap on the tank, see which goldfish bares teeth and tries to go after your finger. That'll be him.

It may take some time to find the right one.

Noarch said...

Hillarious!!!!!

Jenn Thorson said...

Noarch- Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for visiting.

alantru said...

Delightful... In an evil overlordish kind of way, of course. Many evil overlords are also finding that they can no longer afford those ergonomic chairs in which they spin in a circle so dramatically and malevolently with their exotic cats (sorry violent fish) on their laps. Instead they are now having to purchase Ikea stools. Putting them together is an exercise in evil. Oh well, live and let live. But just remember, live spelt backwards is... evil.

Jenn Thorson said...

Alantru- Oh, yes-- I quite forgot how costly those ergonomic spinning Evil Barcoloungers are... While the stool works (after assembly) it just doesn't have the same effect as a good chair with wings. It's a shame, you know-- when the economy goes, all the little atmospheric niceties of being Evil just go right out the window.

There's no room for STYLE anymore.

Kris the Educated Vagabond said...

In college, I had a cannibalistic goldfish named Fluffy. Fluffy killed and ate his fellow fish - Fuzzy, Cuddles and Ugly. He lived for over a year before succumbing to the evil that consumed his soul.

People were always afraid of Fluffy. My roommate once had a nightmare he got out of his tank to kill her. When a friend fishsat, she still claims he went after her cat when kitty got too curious.

Jenn Thorson said...

Kris- Are you sure Fluffy wasn't, perhaps, half piranha? I'm sorry to hear about his loss...

He really would have helped you on your mission toward Supervilliandom.

That fish had some rage on.

timethief said...

This is absolutely hilarious and exactly what I need on this dismal day. Setting that aside, I absolutely love the template and layout change. I can read everything and navigate the site with ease. It's also really attractive. Well done. :)

Jenn Thorson said...

Timethief- Ah, glad to provide some levity to your gloomy day!

And I'm so glad the site is readable and pleasant for you. The designer who did Claire Pitt's did mine-- "Chica"-- she's awesome, she does such good work for every site she's designed. I felt so lucky to find her.